Freda M member for 1 year 5 weeks Send a message

I recently was interviewed for an article called "More Money, More Problems" for Chicago's "RedEye" regarding dating and the successful woman. The interviewer wanted to know if being successful in any way hindered my ability to find a date or a possible life partner. In addition, she also asked whether I would be able to date a guy who made less money than me and, if I had the means to financially support both of us, would it bother me to support him?

I have put a lot of thought into that subject and I responded with a Yes and No answer. I don't think it is that easy or black and white to arrive at one blanket answer. So, I am going to offer up my opinion on this subject because this is a growing trend amongst 21st century women who are more educated, more successful and achieving a great deal more than their male counterparts. More and more women are the primary bread winners and the roles are reversing. How does this impact our society as we know it? How are women handling this new found success, and role as primary bread winner? How is it impacting their ability to find eligible bachelors and potential life partners? Are women offended by this role reversal, I mean after all, men have been taking care of us financially for years! Now that the shoe is on the other foot, are we women going to get snobby about it?

First, let me start out with this: I am not your typical woman because I am more entrepreneurial minded, more business oriented and have a lot more testosterone running through my veins and because of this, I think more like a guy than a woman. With that being said, I was silent for a minute as I gathered my thoughts. I then began addressing each of her questions with the utmost sincerity.

I could have 50 dates 'til Tuesday if I wanted. However, it is not that simple for me. I don't date just for the sake of dating (I tried this twice in the past year and with great disappointment in myself for lowering my standards and me fleeing faster than I could get my shoes on). I know this is contradicting all the current psycho babble and dating is a numbers game. But, if I have so many hours and weekends left in my life, the last thing I want to be doing is sharing food with someone it is a struggle to hold a conversation with, let alone worrying about who is going to pick up the bill. My dad said to me, "Freda, you know within the first 30 seconds whether or not you like someone." I have to say that I agree with him. Even though it may take months to get to know the person, that first 30 seconds will determine if you want a second date, a friendship or never to speak again.

I think each relationship comes with a different set of circumstances and a different personality. While in one relationship I would be okay with taking the lead, in many others, it has turned me off and as a result, I took off.

For me, it is not about the money, yet--it is. I mean, money is nice to have. It doesn't make you happy, but it sure can make life a whole lot more easy and fun. That being said, I believe that you know you really love someone when they loose everything and they are as they came into the world. When they are stripped of material possesions and money and you still want to grow old with them and hold their hand - then you really have something. Of course, any guy I would choose couldn't remain down for long or I wouldn't remain around. What I mean by that is this: he would figure out a way to get back on his feet, regardless of what he ended up doing. He wouldn't wallow in self pity and drag his feet. That is what makes the difference. It is not that I wouldn't date a man who was broke, but rather, if he likes being broke and has no ambition other than lying around drinking and watching t.v. all day--well, that wouldn't work for me. I suspect it wouldn't work for many women who might be married to a man like that. It is completely unattractive and down right scary to be honest. I couldn't sit around and watch someone take from me while they let themselves go and stopped growing. That is what would bother me.

Is it hard to find a date? It can be quite challenging to find a "quality" date where you actually enjoy both the conversation and the person. My biggest challenge is that I am attracted to the Alpha Male and not for his earning ability either. I like strong men because I am a strong woman. Admittedly, I am stubborn and strong-willed and need a man who is willing to go head to head with me. I like a man who has ambition equal to mine because I think you need that in a relationship in order to keep it balanced. I like to be mentally challenged (not to be mistaken with verbally or emotionally abused). Don't get me wrong though, there are a lot of Alpha Males that I would never in a million years date, let alone marry. They are known as the infamous "Alpha Pricks." You know, the ones with money that feel the rules apply only to the rest of us. They come in the female form too!

In the past, I have tried to date a few men who were not the high achieving men I had hoped them to be and it was disastrous. Here is why. There was something inside of them that, when I succeeded, they felt the need to put me down and try to keep me down. They couldn't be happy for me despite their effort. It came across in their words, their treatment and one did actually break up with me for the girl that worked the front desk at the health club. You know why? Because she got him and he got her. They were on the same level. It hurt, but, I understood it and kudos for him. I hope he is happy. I can't imagine anything worse than being with a partner who doesn't "get you" and is constantly threatened by your drive to be out there.

I have a very difficult time with men who are more like the Beta Male. I am looking for equality, not necessarily someone who is going to bring me flowers everyday. After about the fifth bouquet, you really want substance not flattery. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Beta Male or Beta Female at all. But knowing myself, I would go nuts trying to fit myself into a relationship with a Beta Male. I am fast on my feet and need someone to be equally as fast. I am a huge supporter and will be his biggest fan, but I need the same. I need someone who takes care of himself and although I want to hold hands for endless hours and never get out of bed - someone who is challenged by his own set of goals and desires.

I am glad that our society as a whole is shifting from traditional way of thinking to embracing strong, successful women who are taking on many leadership roles. Men have been raised by these phenomenal women and are more attracted to her than ever before. Even better, successful men are no longer finding her a threat to their ego or feeling it's necessary to enter into a power struggle. They like having someone who understands how hard it is to make a buck.

In a recent issue of "Psychology Today," an article entitled The New Trophy Wife explored how more and more men are finding a safe haven in an equal partnership where both are partaking in the financial responsibilities. I think people in general are getting smarter about what they want from their relationships. They are realizing that what might work for one relationship, might not work for another. In addition, for every single Alpha Woman in the world, I will show you about ten very dysfunctional traditional marriages that I wouldn't wish on my enemy.

So, really, what it comes down to is this--don't blame your singleness on your success, intelligence or your strength. That is too shortsighted. After all, there are men out there who would give their left nut to be with you. More importantly, you need to make sure he is what you want. If you think he is going to change, then you should run, don't walk. If you don't like someone as they are when you meet them, there is a good chance that you won't like them two years later either! Additionally, look at your "must have" list and "need" list and make sure it is realistic. After all, everyone is human and if you are looking for perfection or completion in a mate, those are an entire set of issues that are completely unrelated to your success.