DarkAngel member for 31 weeks 2 days Send a message

I said that I was going to rehash my life here so I guess I better get to it. I have been putting it off but my friend subtletwo tells me it is time and I need to just get to it.
I don't have many memories before about the age of 5 or 6. We were living in Panama at the time. I remember feeling out of place, stupid, uncomfortable...that feeling has followed me throughout my life. I made friends ok I guess but they were mostly the outcast kids like myself. I did not pay attention well in school. I was the kid with the report card that said "she is so smart if only she would apply herself." I was too busy being distracted by everything and anything. Around this time I was caught playing "show and tell" with a little boy in the neighborhood. I suppose that my parents thought this was normal behavior for a small child and it would quit as I got older. Ya...not so much.
Elementary school was hell...we lived in Virginia. I was held back in the 4th grade at the same school. Talk about humiliating. My sexual acting out got worse as I flirted with anything with a penis. I think it was somewhere in here that I was trapped by my cousins under a bed and the felt me up. I remember being in 5th grade and a girl calling me a slut on the playground...my response was "well at least I am not a prude." I still had those feelings of being different and that something was wrong with me. It was about this time that I realized that I had a tendency to speak before thinking. I often ran my mouth and said stupid things before my brain had a chance to edit. Needless to say this made me not very popular. Still at this age and during this time my memories are spotty. I wonder if I have blocked them out...ya think?
Ahh...junior high...this is where my memories are still raw. We moved to Kansas when I was in 7th grade. My first year of junior high I had a boyfriend who was very nice and respectful. I am not sure how I managed to hold on to him most of the year. I was not popular and I still said stupid things all the time and I dressed provocative and I flirted with all the guys but my boyfriend stuck with me for some reason. I was not having sex yet...I thought about it a lot. I did not want my boyfriend to leave me so I basically let him do what he wanted...he would kiss me and touch me but he never asked for sex. My 8th grade year he moved away. That summer I started messing around with a boy that lived up the street...he would treat me like a whore (no sex just oral and touching) but I did what he wanted because I felt like I had to have a man to make me important. I started to get a reputation at school as a slut and people openly called me that. It hurt but I knew it was true. I did not feel complete or loved unless I had a boyfriend and I was wanting sexual contact of some kind all the time. I knew something was wrong with me. My mood swings began during junior high...and they were BAD. I was happy one second and sobbing the next. I had fits of violence and anger.
My mother suggested to my father that I had emotional issues but he refused to believe that and told her that I was just being a typical teen. I remember going to a therapist once...I did everything I could to convice him I was fine so that my dad would not be upset. The diagnosis was "typical teen"...it worked.

That is all I can do for tonight....Like I said the process is going to be slow but I am going to get it down.

Dark Angel