member for 31 weeks 2 days
I have been with my current husband for 10 years. We have five children (2 his, 1 mine, 2 ours). I say together because we did not get married until about 4 years ago. He finaly decided to marry me so he could get on my insurance. He tells me that he loves me and he tells his friends the same. He is a great father. So what is the problem?
He has a problem with alcohol. He keeps saying that he will cut back or quit but he doesn't. Right now he does not work. He is a stay at home dad with our 2 year old full time and the 8 and 14 year old when the are home from school. I keep telling him to get a job hoping that if he is working he won't drink so much. He goes out almost every night to party with friends and they close down the bars. It is 3 and 4 times a week that he does not come home until after 2 in the morning. When he is drunk he is mean...not physical but verbal to me and sometimes to the older children. He says that he knows he drinks too much but that he is not an alcoholic...but he is. He is 50 years old...he had his first heart attack at the age of 43. He smokes a pack of cig or more a day.
I can't deal with it anymore...I love him very much but I have reached the end with what I can deal with. He has not had sex with me in over 2 years....yep since I got pregnant with the baby. He does not even pay that kind of attention to me anymore. He just drinks and smokes and plays on his computer. If I express my frustration to me he tells me one of two things 1. I have just used him to get where I want to be in my career to babysit kids and now that I am where I want to be I am running off with someone else or 2. I am having an emotional cycle from my BPD and I need to take my medication. Is it just me or is the second one a low blow?
The thing about this is that I love him very much but I can't emotionally take this anymore. I am drained. I am afraid that if I try to leave him he will make my life hell like he did for his last 2 ex wives. Not that my life is not hell now...it is...I can't do this anymore but I feel trapped.
I want out now...I don't want to try to make this work anymore.
Comments
Login or register to post a commentnot sure what to say.
I don't know exactly what to tell you, but have you ever tried therapy. Sometimes we need outside help to fix your problems when we don't know what to do. There might be reasons that we as woman may not recognize or think of to explain why the man in your life react or act the way that they do.
Anytime he is abusive to you or your children you can't wait you need to get help as soon as possible.
If you pray don't ever stop because sometimes we stop praying just as a break through is about to happen.
Prayer is an answer. If you
Prayer is an answer. If you believe it then God will change any circumstance. He will also show you when enough is enough. God wouldn't want you in an situation where you are going to get hurt no matter how it happens. He says that you are only to stay with a man that treats you as Jesus treated the church. I believe in making things work and therapy and hope that you find what is best for you and your children. Whether that's staying or leaving!
Dear DarkAngel, All I can
Dear DarkAngel,
All I can say is, "yeah what she said!" I concur with the other AlphaWomen who have shared words of wisdom.
In addition, I really believe you can still love your husband but say no to the verbal abuse, invalidation of your concerns/feelings, and his addictions. In fact truly loving him might mean that you can't enable him any more. A good and free place to start learning how to deal with the cards you've been dealt would be either Alanon (a support group for people involved in some way with an Alcoholic) or CODA, Co-Dependents Anonymous. Both of these meetings have chapters all over the country and usually meet in local church basements or places like that. You can look them up online.
These meetings will help you develop the skills and information you need to discern what you're dealing with, they'll provide you with a supportive community who understands what you are going through, and you will gain invaluable tools.
Most of us who are attracted to or are in relationships with addicts (even if we didn't see it coming) are repeating patterns we've learned along the way (most likely from our own parents). If that's the case for you, this isn't just about your husband getting help for his issues. You need to take care of you as well so that you come to understand just how valuable you are.
Freda is right on the money too with how this IS impacting your children. You are at a crossroads right now to break patterns and start a new trajectory for the rest of your life and your kids' lives.
And the not having sex for two years thing is so sad. That must be so difficult physically and emotionally. You are being neglected as a wife and that is heartbreaking.
Many Alphawomen have gone through similar experiences and have made it through them. We are all on different parts of the journey and are here to share that with one another. I hope that brings YOU hope.
I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo
Happiness
Once you get to a point in your life when you are tired and fed up with something there is nothing left to do but change it.
Well I must say you were the smart one in the marriage to get your career to where you wanted it to be, its his choice to sit around on his tail of do-nothing and drink and smoke all day. So its not your fault that he is a stay-at-home dad, that is obviously what he wants to do being that he doesn't go out to find a job.
Think of your happiness and your kids happiness. Kids are smarter than us, they know that you are not happy and they may be unhappy to. So if you don't do anything else think of that because you and your kids deserve to be happy.
Start looking for a place to go, whether its with a family member or a place of your own. Find out the school districts, try to find yourself a job in that area and just don't say a thing about it. One of those nights when he is out partying with his friends you and the kids can be on your way to your new home. No traces left behind......
at least until he gets his mind right and you know he won't harm you or the kids.
Just a suggestion!
Nicole E. Porter
Surprise Honey!
http://www.surprisehoney.com
Eskinde's Accounting & Tax, LLC
http://www.eskindesacctgandtax.com
Angel - I know what you are going through and my heart bleeds
I too, was married to an alcoholic. Please do not fool yourself, if it is that bad now, it can always get worse and he can and will escalate the abuse.
I also come from being a recovering alcoholic myself. You see when I finally left him, I went down, down, down myself. Even though when I was with him I never drank. Guess I really needed to know anyone can have that disease.
I have been sober know for 18 years. And it was through hard self searching and changes that I am still here. No one did it for me, no one changed me - rather I had enough of being sick and tired and changed myself.
Realize there is nothing -NOTHING at all that you can do to change him. He will either hit his bottom or he will not - unfortunately you cannot push him one way or another. Often alcoholics self-destruct by never getting help and end up taking their families with them. Please see things as they are...Help will not come to your husband by loving him more, better, or "enough". Both my ex and myself had plenty of people willing to "love us better". My ex did die of alcoholism. I thank God every day I have not and my grandkids have never seen their "nana" taste one bit of alcohol.
Now here is what I hope will help you. There is a group in every major city called Alanon. These are people who help you deal with the situation as it is right now - warts and all. It was founded by wives and children of alcoholics at the same time AA was started and they KNOW what you are going through and will help you find your path - with him or not.
It is a hard place you are in right now. The only solice I can give is a hug to help you through and good solid advise on where you can find others who will help you and your children (yes they have alanon for teens - etc) heal.
Finding my way into AA was a god send for me - finding my way into Alanon taught me how not to ever go back to "picking" another one and how to heal along the way.
Good luck - if you need a shoulder, I am here.