Another Great Question! Can you tell when a relationship is over? What are the signs? I think my relationship is over, but I don't want to believe it.

PK, to answer your question, yes, you can tell when a relationship is over. My mediation professor said in class one day that 99% of people who went through a divorce knew five years prior to their divorce that they wanted out of the relationship. They subconsciously withdrew from the relationship knowing they would be out soon. Further, many found they got happier once they subconsciously made that decision in their mind and they were just patiently waiting for the right moment to leave.

Like the song suggests, “breaking up is hard to do.” So, how can you tell when your relationship is going south………possibly in time to salvage it before one, if not both of you, gets to the point of no return?

One of the toughest questions we are presented with in our lives is “is it over?” With breakdowns in communication, sudden differences, lack of physical and emotional intimacy, loss of respect and more, many relationship flame is squelched, while others manage to overcome. Here are some of the tell tale signs that your relationship is spiraling into the abyss.

Lack of Respect and Communication

When you stop respecting each other, you stop communicating or vice versa, you stop communicating because there is a lack of respect. Respect and communication go hand in hand, when you respect and adore someone you are more open to hear what they think and value their opinion even if you don’t agree with them. Many times that is why men go for younger women because younger women respect and adore older men who appear to have it all together. Men thrive off of their accomplishments and their achievements and when they are constantly criticized and yelled at by their spouse it is easy for them run into the arms of a younger female who holds them in high regard and “respects” them. Men need to be respected and admired as much as women need romance, security and the reassurance they are the only one still.

It is very easy for women to loose sight of this fact because many times women spend their entire lives expressing their mans feelings, protecting their man all the while they are emotionally neglected or all together abandoned to the point where they have nothing nice to offer or say. They wake up one day, usually in their late 40’s and are tired of the failed expectations and are searching for more out of their partnerships. As Gail Sheehy says in her book, Sex and the Seasoned Woman, “Many women don’t want to live the second half of their life in the same way they have lived the first.”

Communication with your partner can be so difficult and painful that you just avoid them all together, purposefully missing their calls so as not to get into any arguments or quarrels. It is easier to avoid than to be exhausted.

Constant Negativity

You can always tell what condition a relationship is in when asking each of the partners their to recount their love story. Couples who are very unhappy focus on any and all the negative details that happened following up to their wedding day and on the day. For instance, if it what raining, an unhappy couple might respond with a comment like: “It was raining that day, it was a sign that we weren’t meant for each other.” They are void of any emotion or feelings of the love that they once were gaga over. In fact, I have heard some say that they never really “loved” their partner; they just thought it was the right time.

In the beginning of a relationship you spend much of your time telling everyone how great your new love is, how much you adore, admire, respect them. When the relationship is on the fritz, you spend more time complaining and criticizing the other. You poke fun of them, how they look, how they act, if you think they are stupid, jerks, assholes, weather or not they are attractive etc.

When either of you is spending a great deal of time criticizing the other or not even talking about your partner it could be the sign of the beginning of the end of pretty darn close to the end. Remember, some people subconsciously leave the relationship up to five years in advance.

Complete Avoidance

As I said earlier, when you are at the end, you practice subconscious avoidance. It is easier to avoid the onslaughts and character attacks and constant nagging and complaining of your partner than it is to deal with them. This is again is a bad sign. Think about it. In the beginning of your relationship you want to be with your partner a lot. You want to have sex, make love, kiss, hold hands, breath on each other, touch, be in close visual proximity and it is painful to be apart. Yes, many relationship mature and this constant groping of your partner changes, but when you find that you would rather be with someone else, when you prefer hanging out with your friends as opposed to your mate, this is a good indication that something is amiss in your relationship. Rather than fight over the same unresolvable issues, it is easier to avoid them.

Let this be a red flag that you are done, when your partner no longer wants to touch you, cuddle with you, have sex with you or even sleep in the same bed with you. There is something going on. Especially for a man to withdraw from a woman, this is a pretty good sign that he has deposited his interests elsewhere. Sex and intimacy is vital for any relationship to make the common ups and downs of everyday life. It is the one factor that bonds a couple together and gives them the strength to stick it out. It is hard to stay in a relationship that is void of physical touch. It is going to be hard to salvage a relationship at this point. Not that it can’t be done, but it is going to take a great deal of commitment.

Purposeful Forgetfulness

Forgetting important dates, times, occasions, planned dinners is a direct indication that your mind has already left the relationship. The mind is an extremely powerful machine and many times your subconscious reveals what you are truly feeling about someone. dates etc. Many times, you want to forget about the relationship, so you will forget about the things that are associated to that relationship.

Lastly – Attraction To Someone New

This is a dead ringer that you or the other person has retreated from the relationship and is on their way out the door. When someone else is occupying all of your thoughts or your partners thoughts, waking and sleeping, it may be too late to salvage anything. There is a big difference between a innocent flirtation and a constant pursuit of another intimate relationship. When someone finds your partner attractive, stimulating and interesting, and they return the feelings, you can bet your ass they aren’t going to go back to the constant fighting, negativity and painful communication that they know so well as home, when your or your partner prefers talking to someone else more than you, that isn’t a good sign.

In summary

Most relationships are salvageable. That being said, people are tired of “working” on their relationships, or “coping” with tense feelings and being stuck in bad relationships. They want solutions or a fresh start otherwise they will divorce or separate. They have already spent a great deal of time “working” on the relationship and are too exhausted to continue to live miserably. Almost every society and culture around the world practices divorce. However, they don’t treat it with a “moral obligation” as the western civilization does. They figure if they can’t get along it is better for them to separate than to live together in a strained relationship.

It takes a lot of courage and many times just one person in the relationship to turn it around. Many times it is just a change of thinking, or change of view as Dr. Pranksy puts it in his book, “The Relationship Handbook.” How you think about your partner will ultimately dictate your feelings. You can think good things about your partner and good feelings will soon follow, dwell on bad thoughts and bad feelings are sure to weigh your heart and mind down. Once you loose respect for each other, the death of the relationship is soon to follow.

My mother always said, “Keep your eyes wide open while you are looking and then put your rose colored glasses on once you get married.” None of us are perfect, a kiss is not a guarantee and a gift is not a promise. Life is full of disappointments for ALL of us. Finding someone and fanning the flame can be quite challenging in today’s society, but it can be done. Remember why you chose your partner, fan those flames and learn to appreciate him for who he is today and how he compliments you. If you just can’t stand each other than lucky for you, you can terminate the contract and be on your way to find love again. Pick wisely and put your rose colored glasses on when you finally make your choice. Remember you are not a bed of roses either!

~Freda