This week we make an attempt to tackle the 900 pound gorilla in the bedroom by answering two difficult questions that many people hold different opinions on from varying degrees! Is internet flirting or cyber-sex considered cheating? Would you take a partner back if you found out they cheated?

Is internet flirting or cyber-sex cheating?

Freda says: Let me answer this question by asking a question: If you were to catch your partner, boyfriend, husband carrying on a relationship with another person on-line, what would you do? How would you feel? Would you be mad? You would feel betrayed and deceived and loose a great deal of trust in your partner wouldn’t you? I believe what is good for the goose is good for the gander and if you can do this, than it shouldn’t bother you one bit if your partner does it too! However, if it is only in your favor then that should be a GREAT natural indication that what you are doing is WRONG and more than likely your ass will be KICKED hard. Deep secrets in any relationship are dangerous and either exposes who you are or that there are gaping holes in the relationship that are going to bust at any moment. In my opinion, you are playing with fire!

Travis says: Flirting, no matter how it’s committed, is always cheating! The high-tech world of today has made it incredibly easy to communicate with anyone, on every level. The internet, in this regard, has some major pros and cons for online flirters. The best thing about flirting on the internet is the fact that it’s so easy to keep your true identity concealed. This highlight allows anyone to flirt with anyone, without the fear of being busted if their significant others see them together. The internet has made the world of inter-personal relationships a very difficult thing to trust. Someone who wants to cheat could easily pop into a chat room, find a buddy, and carry on a hidden affair forever, and their partner would never know unless that partner did some internet snooping. People who cheat via internet, in my opinion, need to grow some BALLS! First of all, man (or woman) up, and talk to your partner if you’re not satisfied. Secondly, if you’re going to be a sneaky cheat, grow a pair and find a real person who can tickle your fancy.

JC says: There are a couple ways one can view internet flirting or cyber sex. First, if it is only flirting and does not become all consuming, it may not be cheating. We all know that the occasional harmless flirt can boost our self esteem a great deal. A little cyber sex can also translate to going home and having great sex with your partner. Remember the old saying, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner.”

Where this becomes dangerous to your relationship and your own mental health is when you cross the line and have an emotional affair. In an emotional affair, you can idealize a person and see only the positive qualities. The relationship is based on physical attraction, the adrenaline rush that comes with being “naughty” and you never have to deal with anything negative. This can trigger some very powerful emotions that may lead you to mentally and/or physically ignoring your real life partner. An emotional affair can also take a huge toll on your mental health. You may send a message that opens you up emotionally and makes you feel vulnerable. Because of the time delay for a reply (minutes or even hours) you are left feeling exposed and vulnerable until that person gives you the response you need. This delay can have far reaching effects. In normal conversation, this feedback is almost immediate. For these reasons, I think cyber sex that leads to an emotional affair is cheating; it is having a negative impact on your “real” relationship.

Gabe says: There is a guy who got married in the web-based virtual world called Second Life. Well, sort of. His avatar (his representation in the computer fantasy world multiplayer role-play game) and another woman’s avatar were married in a formal Second Life ceremony. The catch is he’s already married in the real world. Is he cheating?

Cheating implies rules and rules exist in relationships. These rules vary from couple to couple and are sometimes established by open, two-way communication, and other times (most of the time) by trial and error. These rules determine fair-play in a relationship. I know couples that consider pornography fair-play and other couples where the wife thinks her husband even looking (possibly-probably, ogling) at other women to be out of bounds; porn completely prohibited. I know married swingers that allow anything but penetration with other partners. So, what about online flirting, dating, and even marriage?

It is cheating if it is considered out-of-bounds in the covenant between a couple in a committed relationship. And if a partner in the relationship doesn’t know that the other is doing questionable things online, then that couple probably has other problems. If the online flirter-dater is withholding information for fear of retribution, or guilt, then that person is most likely doing something out-of-bounds.

Back to the online marriage: His real-life-wife knows about his computer-fantasy-life-wife and hasn’t divorced him, though she thinks it’s strange. She also thinks he spends too much time online with his computer wife, and is generally unhappy with the situation. Well, create an avatar and woo him away from his online avatar-wife. Or just leave him.

Elie says: This past winter, Dateline did a piece on Internet flirting and cyber sex. Three women participated in the on-camera forum with Ann Curry, where they all caught their spouses having on-line affairs. Two of the men found their cyber lovers through chat rooms. The third man was flirting up a storm and carrying on with a girl he knew from high school. Are the events and descriptions of what is set out above considered cheating? Yes, it is! If you’re sending provocative messages, pictures, whispering sweet little nothings in a person’s ear {other than your spouse or partner} that is infidelity and cheating. The legal community and courts consider phone sex as grounds for legal separation or divorce. Having a torrid, on-line affair, including cyber sex, is considered cheating. Many people will argue, “Well, they haven’t had full blown sexual intercourse”, it doesn’t matter; it’s still called cheating.

Would I take back a partner if I found out he cheated?

Freda says: Fifteen years ago, I would have said yes, whatever you have to do to save the marriage. Today, I would help him pack his bags and show him to the back door because he doesn’t deserve to go out the front! That being said, it takes two people to destroy a relationship. Many of us really want to convince ourselves that we are perfect and if you are wise you will ask your very good friends who are honest enough to tell you that you are a complete ass too. So, if someone cheats in a relationship it is a huge indication that there was something wrong long before they cheated.

On the flip side, there are greedy people who just want it all (they are scum bags) and there are those who just have enormous appetites and they end up with a partner who has none. That is dangerous and I have always said this, if you stop having sex with someone, stop touching them, stop holding them, stop kissing them, then you are in trouble. You CANNOT expect a person to stay committed if you are equally committed to withholding your love and affection and sex is usually equated with love and affection. It just won’t work. We all need to be touched, admired, and most of us need sex on a regular basis. So, if you are not having sex with your partner, you better start to ask who he or SHE is getting it from and what is keeping you from wanting to express intimacy.

I am reading another great book by Gail Sheehy called Understanding Men’s Passages: Discovering The New Map Of Men’s Lives and she says for the first time in history it is men who are withholding sex and intimacy from their wives. As the majority of our population approaches forty, fifty and sixty years of age we will see more of this. Men don’t realize what happens to their bodies and when it does happen they don’t want to talk about it, especially if they aren’t taking care of themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually or eating healthy. Dr. Ken Goldberg, the author of When the Man You Love Won’t Take Care of His Health says, “50 to 90% of all erectile dysfunction is caused from depression,” not a lack of Viagra!

Relationships are complicated, they require work and like anything else in life, if you neglect it, expect a break down, to what extent will be directly correlated to the degree of neglect that transpired. Would I take him back? I would see what my part was, sum it up and if I really couldn't explain to myself why it happened, then NO, I wouldn't take him back. On the other hand, if I really could see how I contributed to the problem then I would, of course, if I still loved him. It would depend on the dynamics of the situation.

Travis says: Every relationship is vastly different from another, especially when a trust issue is involved. I’ve always told myself that if I was ever cheated on, I would leave the guy in a heartbeat. Well, that’s one time when it truly is, “easier said than done.” I was cheated on by a guy whom I THOUGHT I was in love with. I considered trying to mend our broken relationship, because I thought that, because I “loved” him, that I should give him another chance. Everyone makes mistakes, right? Wrong. If you’ve given all of yourself to someone, and agreed mutually to be in a monogamous relationship, then that other person should never take that agreement lightly.

Relationships are WORK. Things don’t work out perfectly, ever. People get annoyed with each other. Partners get tired of aspects of each other, and their relationships. It happens! The problem is, our society is all about immediate gratification. We love disposability, and the “quick fix,” element of American society. So, most people think that finding someone to have a fling with will, somehow, fill the void that may be missing in their relationships. It’s not gonna happen! If someone has cheated on you, it’s simply not fair that you should have to suffer heartbreak, emotional turmoil, and all the rest. They don’t deserve another chance….YOU DO. If you’ve been cheated on, YOU deserve another chance to get it right (with someone else of course!). The cheater deserves, and should get, nothing.

JC1985 says: That would depend on the partner. I had one partner that could not keep it in his pants to save his life. This had nothing to do with me or our sex life; he was incapable of being faithful. I also believe that as human beings we make mistakes and some of us are able to learn from them and aren’t destined to repeat them. It would be easier for me to forgive a mistake than condone repeat behavior.

Gabe says: Cheating is forgivable, if the one who was cheated on is willing to forgive. I know a situation where the husband cheated on his wife and the wife filed for divorce. After a short period of time they remarried each other and are still happily together. This works because the man was truly sorry and the woman has a deep capacity for forgiveness. Furthermore, because the husband is truly sorry, his tendency towards cheating is very low or nonexistent, and the wife knows this. It is also necessary that the guilt is gone, and the couple come to an understanding that what happened is in the past, that it will not happen again, and they have faith and trust that the love between them is strong enough to endure. Oh, and they have four kids.

The above is a true story and probably occurs very rarely, and most people don’t believe in the bullshit of love after infidelity. Usually the betrayal and pain is much too strong for the one who’s been cheated on. And who can blame them? Trust is destroyed, and what good is a relationship without trust?

But like the case study above when a couple’s love is strong enough and they have four kids to rear, cheating can be overcome. The relationship can also be mended when the one cheated-on is one or all of the following: weak, dumb, naive, dedicated, insecure, poor, is cheating as well, or just plain doesn’t care. Though, I imagine if the offended person is any of these things, the cheating will still occur and the relationship will be tenuous at best.

So yes, a relationship can mended after cheating, but it rarely is.

Elie says: The answer to this is MAYBE. I know what you are going to say next, “maybe” isn’t an answer. In my world, maybe would have to be the answer. I would need time and space to reflect, talk to my family, close friends and enter into a healing process. Discovering that your partner and/or husband have been unfaithful is very painful, and it tears at your soul. I would definitely ask God {or a person’s Higher Power} for peace, guidance and comfort.

Does your partner/husband deserve a 2nd chance? That depends whether or not he’s strayed in the past. If he has, then you have a serial adulterer on your hands. It would be wise to consider a permanent split. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and most people deserve a second chance. It depends on the sincerity of the person, his willingness to work things out, and how deep your relationship is.

So there you have it!