I want to speak about the affairs. I have had affairs with two married men and an emotional affair with another. I didn't seek these affairs out, but the men pursued me pretty hard. One was my boss, the other was a man in the community and the other was a client. They all had one thing in common they pursued me very hard. Affairs go against everything that I stand for, yet, there I was in the clutches of what I thought was love. I was in my early thirties and my clock was ticking really loud. I got scared and thought I would never find anyone so I thought this was my only option.

Mind you there were tons of single available men all around me, I just never bothered to see them.

As I look back, I see a woman that backed herself into a tight corner because her expectations of men were so high and THESE men (and there are A LOT of them out there) played into the fantasy that I built up in my head. They said all the right things as if they KNEW the lines of my characters and I broke. In a moment of weakness I buckled and forsake my own morals. Those feelings are strong.

Fast forward a few years. I had all three of these affairs within a span of four years. Because all three were incredibly painful, I ended all three of them and they all ended the same way! Me crying a lot! Pain is a good teacher.

Because I cut myself off to all the single, available men around me because none of them were good enough because they didn't fit my criteria and I ended up being a SITTING DUCK to men who were never going to make a commitment to me furthering my feelings of aloneness, despair and desperation.

I stay CLEAR of married men now. I don't even give them a second breath. They all say the same thing, they all complain about their wife, their marriage, yada yada yada, but they will NEVER leave. They will use you until you say stop or they decide they don't need you anymore. OMG I have seen women who have been tossed by the way side only to be completely left devastated at how shallow it really was. They were in love with an illusion or more like a delusion.

All three of these men were wealthy and had BEAUTIFUL wives.

In my heart I believed that they were going to leave their "AWFUL" wife for me. I felt really special. I felt like I was something, I diamond in the rough! Reality check. I met all three of the wives. The wife isn't awful. On many occasions, I actually liked them.

Very rarely is she awful. She is more than likely so lonely because he never pays attention to her, only buying her luxurious gifts, extravagant gifts to ease his own conscious. It isn't even out of love for her but it is a way for HIM to feel like what he is doing is acceptable and okay.

I see so many women caught up in affairs thinking that it is love, YOU fall in love, HE DOESN'T. Men can turn that switch off as quickly as they turned it on, and in many cases quicker, especially at the reality of divorce or the thought of loosing their money to their wife.

I agree, blow up your fantasies they only get you into trouble. It takes work and commitment and tenacity to build and keep a relationship strong.

I know so many women who are caught up in an affair and they just keep holding on, and holding on, convincing themselves that the wife is a bitch and the man is going to leave. Only in very rare occasions do they leave. Most of the time they don't.

Take a good look at his wife, do you want to be her? Because that is really what it will look like for you if he does indeed leave. Very few affairs ever work out.

I am more open to men now than ever because I want something real, something tangible, something I can wrap my arms around every night and reciprocates. I am done with the fantasy.
Thanks for this post!

Personal choice. For me, I've been told it's like I have a check list in my head, if a guy doesn't fit on the list, it's adios. Well, as a woman who had a relatively happy marriage for twenty years, then was widowed and jumped back into dating, I finally found my feet and decided I would not settle. It's just me. I can't. My criteria is not overly burdensome. Intelligence (I need someone who can talk on a variety of subjects, I get bored otherwise, ok) no couch potatoes, I'm really an active outdoorsy person. Honest, family oriented and financially ok. This doesn't mean a millionaire, but someone who isn't still struggling at 50 years of age. So, for me, there has to be that spark too. Yeah, I'm picky, and yeah, I choose to be alone now until the right guy comes along. But there is a conviction in me that he will come along.

Elaine Williams, a widow journeying through loss, grief and renewal and coming out okay on the other side.

Why marry? Or, if you do, why define it in traditional terms? There is nothing that says you have to do either. Take a good hard look at what you really, no I mean REALLY want in life - does that certificate bring it? Guarantee it?

Sometimes a good relationship becomes problematic when people's expectations, the ones attached to the paper, the ones they didn't create themselves but were told to have, creep in unseen. Sometimes we think we want one thing, only to find that we really didn't. Do you need that paper to have a long-term, deep, loving, committed relationship? And what is your definition of committment? Does it have to include forever? Is that realistic to ask for?

If we stop looking to fill the pre-set mold, we may find something much better, something that can actually fulfill our true desires. Look for someone who truly makes you happy, not some one who looks like marriage material, or someone you think you can tolerate for the rest of your life. See what you find. You could be together a very, very long time.

Even if its short-lived, it may be much better quality-wise (more satisfying over-all) than a long-term hassle with trying to fit the marital cookie-cutter or trying to make the best of Mr. Ho-hum year after year. It may be comfy, you may have fondness, but is that what you really want? It may be for some, but is it for you?

You can look for happiness without the pressure of looking for marriage. It may help. However, if a piece of paper and til-death-do-us-part are your criteria for acceptability, your priorities, then perhaps you should consider settling.

Just a thought.

-Interpellation

P.S. When you love, know that love, like all else, does not last forever (even if it lasts til death). If you can accept that, and overcome the fear of loss, you can love much more deeply. You can push the boundaries and know yourself and your partner like never before. You will have something beautiful. You will have right now.

Love means acceptance, of not just ourselves and our partner, but of uncertainty and impermanence.

Yes, I'm asking for a lot, but the more you give (or the more you let go of inside) the more you will get in return.

You have a choice. What do you want, right now, at this time? Everything changes.

Freda, don't give up or 'settle'! I'm embarking on significant relationship no. 3 and this time got it really right. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. Okay so I was looking for tall, dark, handsome and urbane and have chosen short, fair and small town but that's because my criteria was expressed with all the wrong terminology.

I wanted tall, because I wanted to a man with whom which I felt protected; he could fight off the wooly mammoth; and I found that but he came in a stalky package about an inch shorter than me. So he has light hair but along with it came deep blue eyes. A treat I wasn't expecting. And he may not be 'urbane' but did I really want that because that also suggests sophisticated which then suggests elitist and snobbish. No, my man is none of these things but he is adventurous, adaptable, intelligent, responsible, funny, strong and gentle and can hold a conversation with anyone.

The trick I have learned is that we need to truly understand what we mean when we state what we want. What do we truly want? What are the costs, implications, advantages and disadvantages. Once we know what really matters to us then we can express with an open heart what we want in a man and a relationship. Until then they are all just training boyfriends, as my young but wise daughter would say.

I refuse to settle. Been there! Done that! Now I have found my Mr. Right and he's perfect for me. Don't settle!!!

Waiting for the perfect person can be long useless struggle. I spent too much of my marriage thinking that everyone had a better marriage than I did or that their family was better than mine. When we look at the perfect person or the perfect couple we are looking at their outside projections and comparing them to our inside experiences. Everyone puts their good foot forward for outsiders to see. We don't want them to think the worst of us. I avoid people who want to tell me the worst about their mate or their family. I don't think we would like everyone we meet to tell us how it "really" is. We don't want to know all the dirty laundry about everyone. That's whats wrong with the news and reality shows - they show you all the dirty closets. We know at some level that everyone has dirt and when we forget that it causes us to think something exists that doesn't. Life is both wonderful and awful at the same time. People are people - they are both wonderful and flawed at the same time. We love them one moment and hate them the next. My husband and I have had a love - hate relationship for a lot of years. He is not perfect and neither am I. We forgive one another and lovingly care very deeply for each other. We know that our experiences (both good and bad) have made us what we are today. We know what commitment is and it can be hard at times but it has given us a wonderful feeling of contentment that nothing else in life can. That does not mean that we do not drive each other absolutely mad at least twice in every day. We know that there is no such thing as the perfect person or the perfect marriage. We have learned that through the years. Life is good all we have to do is to live it with commitment, courage, love and forgiveness. A good thing about getting older is forgetfulness. It helps too! I would want this for my adult children rather than a lonely life of waiting for the perfect mate and never finding him or her.