Musings Of A Single Woman - Dating | AlphaWomen.com [beta]

Freda Mooncotch member for 1 year 25 weeks Send a message

It is April 12th, exactly one month 'til my thirty-sixth birthday. I feel really good. For the first time in a really really long time, I feel really good. Maybe there is a lot to be said about your increasing level of confidence, wisdom and sage as each year passes. This year I feel free. I have this sense about me that everything in life isn't so black and white, one or the other.

I grew up in a very black and white family. Each year that I get older, I realize that there is no such thing as black and white. Every day for the past sixteen years, I have had to challenge every ideal and belief that I was raised with and many I have discarded all together. I didn't discard the baby out with the bath water though, I just threw the bath water out! It needed to be changed something fierce.

Here is what I do know. Fantasy is a way to avoid the reality of our lives. It is an outlet that either helps us to get through the day or helps avoid what we really need to face. Only when we are good and ready to face our lives and the things that we are running from, will fantasy no longer be desirable.

I was speaking to a very wise friend of mine and I asked her if she fantasized, and she bursted out into laughter and said, "I used to when I was younger and striving for perfection. Fantasizing about the perfect, husband, the perfect kids, the perfect life, I would spend a great deal of my time avoiding the reality of my life, of my marriage and I always thought that there was someone else out there that would do it for me. Then I met that "guy" and what I realized was that his act was not fact or the actual was not factual." I love that.

I jumped up and down and said, "me to, me to." Life takes work. To enjoy life requires being fully present. To appreciate the people who walk in and out of our lives day in and day out requires us to be free, to be open to be ready for new experiences. Most of us spend our lives visiting "other" places in our minds. Very few of us are ever really present.

This past month, I have made a lot of mental changes. I have really gone out of my way to push down my fantasies, to tear up my list, to let go of old thoughts, beliefs and ideas and just let go. Since this new frame of mind I have met sooooo many wonderful people. I have had some of the most stimulating, intelligent conversations and connections. I feel more fulfilled now than I have ever in my life.

I look differently at all the single, available men around me. Case and point. My very good friend X. When we met a year ago, I thought he was a complete jerk, and he thought I was heavily medicated or depressed. I laugh because he was so right about me, I WAS depressed. I was closing down my mortgage company, I was turning thirty-five, I felt like I failed at yet another attempt in my life, I was scared, I was attached to a very unavailable man, I felt like my life was a mess. And X had his own stuff. But here we are, almost a year later and we are good friends. I consider him to be one of my dearest friends. Who would have ever thought?!

Here is my point, I was so closed off, shut down, unapproachable and I didn't even KNOW it. I was closing off my best opportunities because I had an ideal, an image, a fantasy that I was holding onto for dear life and ALL my happiness was wrapped up in that fantasy. I don't know if that makes sense. It was like no other guy could make me happy that didn't fit this little subconscious description or "role" in my mind. It wasn't until I kept running into X at mutual friends parties that I got a chance to really get to know him. I would listen in on his conversations and here him talk and I was really impressed. He speaks from his heart. He speaks about real things, passes no judgment and really listens to people. In fact, I don't know anyone who doesn't really enjoy talking to him. He challenges peoples beliefs and ideas but also is open to challenge his own thoughts and ideas.

I think to myself that this is a classic case and point of thinking you want the "fantasy" when the reality is so much better. Last year he didn't meet my requirements. This year I burned my requirements because THEY SUCKED. The guys that met those requirements were ASSHOLES.

So many people suffer from this. Married women envy single women, single women envy married women, men envy other men...........our fantasies have the potential to damage our lives. They can be so powerful that they keep us stuck in bad relationships and situations for far to long and by pass or miss out on great ones. Many times we don't even know what is right in front of us because we are always looking, dreaming "what if." It is hard in this day and age to really stay present in all relationships whether it is with a mate, a partner, your kids (yes, parents even fantasize about having "better" kids) your parents and really appreciate them for who they are and what are the unique qualities they bring to the relationship. Fantasies are easy. Relationships with real people are work.

I would rather spend an entire day talking to this guy than to be with any of the guys I thought I wanted over the course of my life. I was entrenched in deep chemical feelings when I wrote the post about, "Somethings Gotta Give," and the one, "Drunk Emailing." Now I think to myself how foolish I was and I wouldn't go back to that for nothing, not for all the lighting, chemistry, cosmic feelings that happen to exist. They are not real, they are not the building blocks of a mutual satisfying friendship or relationship, they are just that...........feelings. Funny thing about feelings.........they tend to come and go. I leave you with this thought........ "DON'T EXPECT TO MUCH OUT OF COD."

Next time I will tell you of another guy I met. They are all around you, but until you are ready you won't see them and you won't be ready until you are ready!

Straight Talk Videos:
Freda & Katherine on Being Single, Dating, and Relationships - Part 1
Freda & Katherine - on Men, Dating and Relationships - Part 2
Freda & Katherine on Dating - Part 3
Freda & Katherine on Dating & Relationships - Part 4
Sex Talk: Condoms and Lubricants
Sex Talk: Lotions, Toys and Games!
Sex Talk: Vibrators - Part I
Sex Talk: Luxury Vibrators - Part 2
Sex Talk: Dildos - Part 3

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Comments

Lilly says:

Great post. I relate to

Posted April 14th, 2008

Great post. I relate to everything you said. I am at the point in my life where I recognize this fault in myself and I am tired of being in a perpetual state of longing and wallowing. I have heard one to many of my girlfriends who are with the wrong guys say....."We have so much chemistry, I can't find anyone else with all this chemistry." Yet, these men don't contribute anything. They cheat, they lie, yet they stay. These women are educated, successful women, who have great careers and bring home good pay checks.
I am done with chemistry. I am open to friendship and a meaningful lasting relationship. Thanks for sharing this post.
What did you mean about, "Don't expect to much out of Cod?"

Divine30 says:

Good Info

Posted April 16th, 2008

I can relate to what you have written. I had to write a book myself " Why am I single again" To release my inner self so I can be free to love again.
http://divascoach.blogspot.com/