Settle or Wait?

This week we try and tackle the question: Would you settle for someone because they were “good for you” even if you weren’t very attracted to them OR would you rather be a mistress/lover to someone you were “in love” with but couldn’t have because they were married? This is a great question. I think there are many women out there who are struggling with the answer to this question because they find themselves caught in this situation.

Freda says: I wasn’t supposed to read any of the other opinions before I wrote mine, but I couldn’t help it and I read Gabe’s. I have to agree with him. That being said, I am going to give my version of the story anyway. As a 35, soon to be 36 year old woman, I feel like I have some good learning experiences behind me and can speak intelligently on this topic. We are in a very difficult time for women because for the first time in history women, by a large margin, out number men considerably. So what is a modern woman supposed to do when there are seven women to every man? When God said, “It isn’t good for man (or woman) to be alone,” He was on to something. People were meant to be in relationships. We are meant to be held, kissed, rubbed, snuggled, comforted, needed and more. To think that women are going to completely bypass these basic instincts is like saying that a man will remain faithful if as his partner you take away sex from him. Any man who is honest will immediately admit that they would more than likely seek sex somewhere else. So why should this be any different for a woman? It makes a great Christian book, but not reality for living, breathing, human beings.

That being said, I think that all too often people confuse “chemistry” with real love. As one young woman wrote in her blog What Defines A Successful Relationship:

“SELECTION: A lot of people stuff it up here. They pick someone who they are simply just attracted to and yet have nothing in common with. Here’s the thing. As much as I love talking about attraction and its magical affects on the opposite sex. Attraction without anything to back it up .. is useless for any potential long term relationship. No matter how hot you are or how attracted you are to someone, it ain’t going anywhere if you have nothing in common with them." written by AlphaFemale Blog Spot

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Women tend to be far more analytical then men when it comes to relationships, so they are less likely to be satisfied with a normal relationship or a normal dating process. Can you really blame them? (Men and Women alike are inundated with messages about the opposite sex that are so misleading and unrealistic is it any wonder why the divorce rate is at an all time high?) Throw on top of that the pervasive media messages on how love looks, how love is supposed to feel with fairy tales and background music included, you have a disaster waiting to happen. This sets up so many of us women for dissatisfaction and looking for "ideals" instead of real relationships and we are always in search of the high, the fantasy, the feelings and the back ground music.

The thing about married men is that more often than not it is the "ideal" that you fall in love with. I think falling in love with the wrong person, an abusive person, a married person, a jerk, a cheater is more about the "feelings" that you have associated with that type of relationship along the way. It triggers some sort of backward chemical response and it becomes ADDICTING rather then having anything to do with love.

We all need to have more realistic ideas and expectations about what goes into a relationship. Like one chef said about the fish COD, "You expect to much from cod." Many of us expect to much from relationships, we mistake intensity for intimacy. Sometimes it takes a life time to learn these hard lessons. The quicker you catch on the quicker to meeting your ideal mate! I think if we all had more realistic ideas about relationships many of us would less likely seek that recurrent thrill ride that we are told is love and rather respect and adore the true characteristics of a great relationship like: respect, communication, affection, compassion, caring, tolerance, and kindness.

Don’t waste years of your life with your head up your ass or in a cloud of fantasy. I am not suggesting that you rush into a relationship with a man solely on his ability to provide for you or because he is available, that is just plain stupid and you can bet your ass you will be divorced before you hit the honeymoon sheets. What I am trying to get at is this, keep your eyes OPEN to ALL the men in your life. There are probably more men that you would be attracted to if you gave them a shot. BUT, if you are always thinking about the guy you can’t have, you will never see all the men or send out those subconscious “I’m available signals” because you are pre-occupied with someone who is unavailable.

So, to answer this question, I would not marry someone I am not attracted to simply because he was “good” for me. However, a man who is really “good to me,” and cares about me, I am going to find that man very attractive and incredibly sexy than any man I might have a brief moment of chemistry with. What is chemistry without the follow through. Follow through can lead to chemistry!

Gabe says: The idea of making the choice between being a lover of someone who is already committed or being committed to someone who you are not attracted to is a bit absurd. Settling for someone who you are not attracted to is unfair to both you and the person you are not attracted to. Being in love with someone who is already committed is unfair to both you and the man or woman who is being cheated on. It is important to be in love or attracted to the one you’re with. Even though the notion that “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the on you’re with” is appealing, it only works when you eventually love the one your with. As for chemistry, it can happen between any two people if they’re drunk enough.

In western culture there is this romanticized ideal that love happens between two people who are “meant” for each other. This view also holds that people will know their life partner on site or in their presence even if never having seen them before. This is not to say that people don’t have someone meant just for them. It’s also not to say that there is a perfect mate for everyone. And it doesn’t mean the love at first site doesn’t happen, to quote John and Paul, “I’m certain that it happens all the time.” Really, the discussion of everyone having a one person for them, one true love is meant for romance novels, sonnets, and love songs.

In cultures that practice arranged marriages, the idea is that love only happens after spending years and years with a person. Love happens after shared turmoil. Love happens after raising children together. After a couple have taken care of each other during illness and depression. And after they’ve laughed deep, long, and hard together. This is an ideal interpretation of what might be considered an outdated practice, but is it any less archaic then the idea of having good chemistry with someone and “falling in love” or experiencing “love at first sight” with all the stomach drops and giddy feelings when first courting someone only to find out they don’t brush their teeth before they go to bed, or they pick their toenails?

Sure, falling fast and madly in love is a comforting and exciting concept. It does happen to people, it is fun, and it can yield wonderful relationships, yet this is just one way that love occurs. It is important to realize that love and attraction is important and it is necessary to a healthy relationship. But it doesn’t have to happen in any particular time frame; immediately after meeting someone or after 30 years after knowing someone, as long as it does happen and it lasts.

JC says: I have done both. Both have their pros and cons.

I have dated a man who was good for me and good to me, but who I was not attracted to. At first, it was ok; it was nice to have someone treat me well. I convinced myself that the attraction did not matter and I would get used to “just ok” sex. Unfortunately, my heart and body never listened to my mind. After some time in this relationship, I literally felt dead inside and started to take huge risks in other areas of my life. I did not realize it at the time, but I believe it was because I needed excitement and passion in my life and was not getting it from my relationship. This was not the path for me and I am certain I won’t do it again.

I have also been involved with married men that I was wildly attracted to and very fond of (even in love with 1 or 2). This is not a path for the faint of heart. In this type of relationship you only see the “good” side and make a point to really enjoy your limited time together. When you are apart, your body and soul may literally ache for him. The highs are intoxicating and the lows are devastating. I can understand how some women become addicted to the “rush” being involved with a married man provides. However, I spent holidays alone, could not enjoy simple “public” pleasures like movies and museums with him and had plans canceled more than once because something came up. Being involved with a married man may also make you feel incredibly guilty and chances are he won’t be meeting your friends and family. Guilt and emotional roller coasters aside, I would have to choose passion. That being said, we must make our own choices.

Travis says: This is a really difficult question. As a man, much of my attraction towards a partner is physical. I can't help it. On top of testosterone ruling my brain, I also have the "disadvantage" of being an artist, AND being gay. And, yes, i did say disadvantage. Gay culture is obsessed with superficial appearances, and, as an artist, I love beautiful things (and that includes beautiful men). I can't help it.

I will say, however, that I've learned that a relationship based completely on physicality will never, ever work. If you don't have that spark, that chemistry, or that sense of wonderful contentment and happiness with your partner, they're probably just not for you.

I've realized that, when I'm sixty, devoid of most of my sex drive and probably a little plumper, a little grayer, and a little less youthful, I'm going to want to be with someone who loves me for more than what I look like ('cause at that point I may not be much to look at!) I want to grow older with someone that I love for who they are, and how they stimulate me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

In fact, for the first time in my life, I've experienced a relationship where I'm completely satisfied emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And, surprisingly, the relationship began without a physical attraction! That's right, neither my boyfriend nor I were immediately physically attracted to each other. But, it really was love at first, well, talk. After our first date, we completely fell in love with each other... because of our conversation. The physical attraction has evolved out of our non-physical attraction to each other. I've never been happier.

I could never be a "mistress" to a married man, even if I loved him. That's probably because I would never get involved with a married man (unless he lied about his marital status-in which case I'd dump him anyway). Moreover, I could never live with the fact that the man with whom I would be having an affair would be a liar. He would be lying to his spouse, his family, his friends about our relationship, so who's to say he wouldn't lie to ME about something? Affairs with married people just seem like recipes for disaster, heartbreak, and depression.

Elie says: Marriage and relationships are hard enough to maintain, keep together. I would never bring such low expectations into a relationship and/or marriage by just settling for someone. There has to be a chemistry and compatibility between the two people involved in a dating relationship, marriage.

Regarding the 2nd prong of the question, being a mistress/lover of a married man is one of the biggest mistakes any girl or woman can make. Just think about the man's wife, children, home, etc. It's dishonest and in some states, the mistress can be sued by the wife for alienation of affection, etc. Think twice before becoming a home-wrecker.