Freda Mooncotch member for 1 year 25 weeks Send a message

Ahhh, it's the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008, I survived another year. Although, I would have to say, "I thrived another year," because I accomplished many great things. That being said, 2006 and 2007 were pretty tough years on my heart. It is safe to say that I have held a grudge for the past year and a half over a man that I can truly say, "I absolutely hate." I read Ellen Day's blog, Letting Go Of Grudges and Bitterness, and thought long and hard over my hatred for this one man. I despise him, I loathe him, I detest him. Why so much anger Freda? Get over it already would you!

It is the end of the year and I do what I do every year, I look over the past year and analyze my accomplishments, my failures, my heartaches, my losses and all that I have to be thankful for, summarize it and make a list of how I want the next year to look like. Yes, I even have a five and ten year plan. They never really quite work out the way I have it laid out in my little book though! After much contemplation over the past year, I noticed one particular man that keeps creeping back into my thoughts, keeps interrupting my dreams, is lingering in my heart, my mind and depleting me of emotional energy. I am so angry with him and I don't know why I can't just let it go, move past it and move on. After all, I am pretty quick to resolve things and let them go. This one, I can't seem to shake loose.

The other night I laid awake for a long time. I couldn't sleep and every time I closed my eyes, I saw "him." So, I started thinking why do I hate this man so much. I get angry at myself for wasting my precious energy and thoughts on him, but he is always there. Even Dr. Pransky say's to put as much distance as possible between you and a bad memory or experience and yet every night there he is in my subconscious, in my dreams.

As I lay awake staring at the wall and wanting to be done wasting my time, energy and precious sleep on this individual, I asked myself the question, "Why do I hate him so much?" It came to me in one fall swoop, because I loved and cared for him deeply. Sometimes, the intensity of our hatred and anger towards someone is a direct reflection of the intensity of our love and how deep the hurt runs. I truly loved this man. Oh another sob story, we all have them, we all talk about them, I know, I know.

But, do you remember a time in your life when you met that one fellow that just "got" you. He was hardly perfect, he was hardly the man that you ever dreamed you would be with, yet there was something about him that made you...........well, made you feel alive. You just "knew" that you wanted to be with him. There wasn't rationalization or understanding behind your feelings, they just happened. Remember how he stirred something from deep within you and all the sudden........in a blink of any eye, everything tasted better, everything looked better, everything looked brighter, life was better, colors were more brilliant, the sun shined brighter and you were happy, really happy. A different kind of happy than before. Happy on steroids kinda happy.

My heart fastened itself to him and was awoken from a deep sleep on his introduction into my life. Try as I might to protect myself from liking him, other than a friend, I lost my balance, failed miserably and fell hard for him, in that order too. He is the only man that has ever "gotten" me or so I thought or maybe I just hoped it. All I know is that one minute we were just friends (I wasn't even attracted to him in any way, shape or form) and the next I was kissing him back in the middle of a dance floor.

I was incredibly sad to see him go out of my life, but, I forced it. I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible, because I quickly realized that I was the one who was being finagled. They say when you least expect it, it will happen. Boy, I wish I would have been expecting it so I could have dodged it altogether and I wouldn't have so much hate festering inside of me. After all, you wait your entire life to meet that one person who "gets" you. The one person who understands you, who can see into the windows of your eyes, into your soul and understands the fabric of who you really are............only to be let down.

I recently have been reading the book The Sharper Your Knife The Less You Cry, by Kathleen Finn, and she writes about how her fiance proposes to her and tells her, "That once you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you really want to get on with the rest of your life." Ohhh how I found that to be so true.

I think it is fair to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this one man and for me that is saying a lot since I attach to no one. I am like a wild horse that needs a trainer who really loves and gets wild horses, like the "Horse Whisperer." Not someone who is going to try and beat me down in order to control and tame me, but someone who truly can see into the depths of my complicated being and realize I am not so complicated after all. I am just very challenging and am not for the faint of heart. I may be a modern, sophisticated woman, but nevertheless I am still just a woman who longs for companionship and being held by my best friend.

One movie that sums up how I feel is the movie Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. One particular part stands out in my mind where Diane Keaton is standing in the street and she is sobbing her eyes out after realizing their relationship was a mere "fleeting moment" and didn't hold the same meaning to Jack Nicholson. She was high on a cloud thinking that she finally found an amazing man, only to be quickly shoved into reality as she discovers he is already going out on dates. Her face. The look on her face said it all. She felt so betrayed because she thought they had such a connection, they both said they "loved" each other and shared many other wonderful moments together. Geese, he cried after sex too, doesn't that mean anything? More importantly, he was the first man who ever really "got" her.

What courage for her to show her emotions and feelings with him. She stands in the middle of the street sobbing, reaches out, gently grabs his face so he is forced to meet her eyes and see her and looks him in the eyes and says something like, "Before you came along I had a life that I knew. I knew how to live that life. I may have not been the happiest person, but I did that life well. Now, what do I do with THIS. What do I do with these feelings, with all of this. How do I go back to my old life when I have all this stuff now. How do I that?" I get what she is saying. How do you come down from Nirvana? How do you go back to "THIS?" Both times I watched this part, I had a huge lump stuck in my throat, because I think she said what so many women feel, but like me choose to walk away without a word, without a tear to see because we don't want anyone to think they could have possibly penetrated our hearts. Will they really care anyway?

That scene really sums up how I feel. You go through life minding your own business, you have a routine, you get up, you do your thing, you do your life well. I have managed to be somewhat happy and single for the past 16 years. You have somehow managed to reel your expectations in and have accepted many things. Then out of no where you meet someone, not just anyone, but that special someone who really "gets" you, you laugh a lot, you and your life is turned upside down. You can't eat, you can't think, you can't breath.......it's as if someone has breathed life into you. You feel different, you feel as though it is magical and just as quickly as it happens, it is ushered out.

It is New Years Eve and I am letting go. After 1 1/2 years it is time to store the axe and let the grudge go. I will never forget the hurt, but I can move on and sleep in peace. Thanks Ellen for writing your blog on letting go of grudges. Sometimes, I think grudges reflect the depth of our love for someone who touched our lives and it hurts to see them walking away.