Freda Mooncotch member for 1 year 25 weeks Send a message

Recently, while out with a group of good friends, one of my friends made the comment that she thought I had it all together. She wanted to know if I struggled at all and if I was on the inside as I appeared on the outside. She said I exude so much confidence that I come across as really put together. I was shocked because I really try to make every effort to share and be open about all the things that happen to me. I am hardly "put together." I just try not to spend too much time, if any, on the dark side of my life.

For starters, I have cried myself to sleep for a good portion of my life - who really wants to hear that though? That is sad. I had much to cry about though. I make every attempt to leave yesterday in yesterday and move on to the moment that I am currently in. I have spent the majority of my twenties lamenting over my mistakes, misfortunes and trying to figure it all out. I had so many people working against my every effort to be as good a single mother as I could be. I was constantly criticized by my brothers and their wives at how unfit I was. No matter what I did, it was always wrong. I was judged by my church as promiscuous. No one asked me my story, they just assumed. I remember when my son was two, a visiting pastor and youth team presented the sermon and I was moved. I went to the pastor after the sermon and wanted him to pray with me that I would meet a good man and he looked at me and said, “Well, the first thing you need to do is stop sleeping around.” I about croaked when he said that because at that point in my life, I hadn’t slept with anyone but my husband. I had been waiting for him to come back. I really believed if I prayed hard enough, long enough that he would come back. It took me four years to realize that he wasn’t coming back – ever. But, it was comments like that which broke my heart and made me completely angry.

I let so many other people get in my head and I wasn't much fun to be around. I let their thoughts, opinions and judgments control me. I had so much unnecessary guilt following me around like a ball and chain. Not to mention trying to sort through all the crap that happened to me as a little girl. Being a single mom at 18 was no walk in the park then or today. Everyday I was fighting for my life emotionally. I was constantly protecting my son from the onslaught of people’s thoughts and opinions about a child being raised without a father and projecting his outcome. Then one day I found my anger and my voice and did some house cleaning.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when my son at age seven or eight came to me and said, "Mommy, I really want you to be happy, you are sad all the time." It was at that moment that I realized how selfish I was being by hanging out in my past all day long feeling bad about my mistakes and what I had been through, spending too much time in the future of “if only.” It was like he was screaming at me saying, “Mommy I am right here, forget about those bozos, can’t you see me, don’t I matter to you.” Of course he did, but emotionally I was terribly distracted. He changed me. He made me wake up out of my stupor and realize it wasn’t important. It was time to move on.

I realized that I couldn't change any of those past events and all that sadness and depression was getting me no where and it was negatively affecting my son. I mustered up all the energy inside of me, I read a few books about letting go and moving forward and I just stopped talking about that part of my life. I refuse to speak about it even today. I refuse to waste another minute of my life on things I can't change. I refuse to let some idiots in my past take away another minute of my life. I make every effort to be thankful and use my energy to be positive, and move forward. I choose to forgive, even though it is hard to forget. Everyday I have to mentally make choices to consciously change my thoughts and let go of the past. I realized that right now is about my son not me. It is his turn, and he deserves my utmost attention and praise and love - not stupid, painful memories in the past.

So you see, although I don't talk much about trials and tribulations, they are there. I can assure you that things which happened to many of you, more than likely, have happened to me too. I just don't want to dwell on that stuff anymore. I am here to tell you that you can conquer almost anything when you can discipline your mind and your thoughts. It takes a lot of discipline and a commitment to living your life for today but, it is worth it. I have bad days where I am consumed with sadness and life's disappointments, but, after slipping for a few days, I realize it is no fun being bummed out and I long for my happy place. It is a much better place to be, even though things have hardly turned out the way I had envisioned them to.

I realize that I am in control of my happiness, my thoughts and how I want to feel every day. That is what my son helped me realize so many years ago. I am in no way shape or form "together." I giggle at the thought. Ohhh, if you really hung out with me for a few weeks, you would see that!