Last week's poll Is Your Partner Holding You Back From Your Dreams and Aspirations? had interesting results! It was a very close match between those who said their partner didn't care and was totally disinterested (38%) and those who said that their partner was their biggest supporter (44%). A lesser percentage (13%) said that they left the relationship they were in because there was no support from their significant other! I think this poll shows us that we should always follow our dreams...whether we our supported in achieving those dreams or not!

In this week's Straight Talk we are sharing our views on staying in a relationship for purely financial reasons. Take our latest poll: Would You Stay In A Relationship With Someone Because They Pay The Bills?

I am totally not attracted to my partner but I've stayed with him because he pays the bills. He has no idea how I feel. Is this fair to either of us? - Gold Digging Gianna

It's not surprising to find that in tough economic times, many people will stay in a relationship because it's easier financially. They by-pass the attraction (both physical and mental) to make life a bit less stressful....but is it really less stressful to stay with someone for the wrong reasons?

FREDA SAYS: I recently read in Advertising age about a new reality TV show called 'Making Love Out Of Nothing At All' and was very impressed by this concept. Arranged marriages certainly are not a new concept but Robert Epstein the former editor of Psychology Today is giving it a little bit of a twist. He is going to challenge our American belief system on dating and mating and show us that you can make love happen out of nothing at all. He believes that if two complete strangers are paired up by someone who sees them objectively and then for ten weeks are put through similar experiences that a normal couple would go through to make them bond that at the end of those ten weeks, ten couples will in fact, take a stroll down the red carpet.

Now I know living in America as a modern woman I am told that I should have the hog by the ass! Anything is possible and I can have it ALL: the awesome six figure job, the big house, the nice car and a supportive man that makes my naughty bits tingle 24/7. Like many of you, I was loyal to that dream for way to many years and it wasn't until this year that I realized it is a crock of shit.

What I have come to realize is that what I am attracted to isn't necessarily good for me or right for me. Yes, maybe I am wet between the legs 24/7 and my heart is pounding out of my chest and I am either pining or swooning........but it never was or is satisfying or fulfilling. What is attraction anyway? As Don Draper in Mad Men said, "Love is something marketing companies coined in order to sell nylons and lipstick." I think we have been sold a concept of false love and have been deceived into thinking it is true love.

Love is something that grows over time. Before I wrote this I told GC what I was going to say in case he read it, I didn't want him to be upset. He knows that when we met I wasn't necessarily attracted to him but I WANTED to make it work. When he and I met we were set up on a blind date by my best friend, his co-worker who has known him for about seven years. She thought we would be a good fit and really had high regards for GC. Now when I met him I have to be honest, I didn't see the connection, other then he was a nice guy and was kinda nerdy. PERFECT, just what I was looking for! There was very little attraction or chemistry. At first blush, I thought he was kinda boring and a little nerdy (when I told him that he was really upset in a funny way and said to me, "Sorry to hurt your feelings but I AM NOT A NERD!" I had been through so many jerky guys that I was ATTRACTED to and had CHEMISTRY with (more like chemically reactive) and it never worked out. In fact, they all ended disastrously and painfully. So I wanted to try something different.

My point is this, we are now going on six months and he is hardly the nerdy, boring person I thought he was. He makes me laugh, drives me absolutely nuts but I find myself going back every day and crawling into his arms every night. Each day I become more and more attracted to him and my respect for him grows. We get each other. He is the ONLY guy I have managed to date past 4 weeks. He is the only guy that gets me and understands me on every level. Love, has taken time to happen. The more experiences we go through, the more time we spend together, the more I learn about him, the more I fall in love with him. We spend every day together. I don't think anyone is more compatible with me than he is.

Now, if I had to line ten guys up in a room that I would be "attracted" to, I don't know if at first glance I would have chosen him and I would have MISSED out on something amazing. He takes care of me in every way and I enjoy taking care of him. I am a bitch. I am hard to be with. I am strong willed. I know what I want and am willing to go after it. I take a lot of risk. I dream big dreams and ya know what? He is right there with me cheering me on. He doesn't try and stifle my dreams or keep me down. He is my best friend and we have so much in common it is unbelievable. Now I have have made a couple of mad dashes a time or two only to realize I was scared and that no one else out there is going to be as committed to me as he is. I don't know about you........but that is damn attractive to me.

Another article that I read before I met GC, which probably influenced my decision to go on the blind date in the first place, was "Marry Him" by Lori Gottlieb, one very intelligent womans story about being a single modern woman whose biological clock is ticking. She challenges women to think outside the box and rethink their ideas about love. Spending your whole life looking for something that just might not possibly exist only to bypass your biological clock and realize the truth to late sucks. Especially when in fact there are a ton of possibilities (according to Robert Epstein each of us has 350,000 potential soul mates) right in front of you, yet you turn them down because you are not "attracted" to
him or there is just no "chemistry."

Funny thing is I have girlfriends that meet great guys who really like them, yet they turn them down to stay with a "chemically reactive" mate who cheats, lies, makes good money mind you, but doesn't ever pay for anything and is just generally a jerk..........but hey there is LOTS of "attraction!" WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION?

So to answer your question. I might suggest doing a mental shift and changing your ideas of what "attraction" and "chemistry" mean to you. I would never stay with a guy for financial reasons. I just think that is shallow. Second, if he is taking care of you and you can't take care of yourself, I would really evaluate the relationship and start focusing on what you like about him instead of the missing attraction. After all, your reality is what you think in your mind. Start telling yourself how wonderful he is for all the things that he does for you. Viewing him differently in your mind just might be the antidote to create or "make love happen!"

BEAUTYMARK SAYS: My first response to answering this question is "Nope." Not fair to either of you, and you know it, or else you wouldn't have asked this question! Then I thought about it a little harder. Relationships exist for a myriad of reasons, and lets face it, one of them is economics. I admit it, if a man I wasn't head over heals about wanted to marry me right now, and had the means to provide for me in a way that would allow me to finish school without loans????? SHEEEIT! It would be VERY hard for me to resist. BUT I don't think I'd pretend to love or be attracted to the guy. He'd know my feelings. I am not against entering a relationship based on quid pro quo convenience and commitment. Being in love is certainly the ideal but times are tough, and when it comes to love, I am a bit of a cynic anyway! The idea that relationships are built on love, affection, and attraction is a fairly new one anyway (over the last hundred years or so) and for some reason we forget that sometimes. I don't think you have to have butterflies, fairy tales, and fireworks to make a committed, shared relationship work, but you shouldn't fake the funk either.

I think the biggest thing to consider is if you are pretending that you are attracted to him. That would mean you are lying, and I don't think that is a cool thing to do under any circumstance, especially when you are in relationship with someone. Plus, lying like that over a long period of time could potentially make you resent him. I can't imagine telling a guy that you aren't attracted to him but you like that he provides for you, though. Especially if he is in love with you. I will say, if you feel like it is too difficult to come clean regarding the truth of your feelings, its a good chance you are doing something that you shouldn't be. In this situation, it might be time to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too.

SEARAH SAYS: No, of course it isn't fair to either of you! Using anyone to get money or get your bills paid is always a problematic proposition and I think you are just setting yourself up for a world of hurt. First of all, how happy can you possibly be? Staying with someone for the money must leave you longing for loving companionship and sex with someone you find hot. You are hurting yourself for sure. But the big problem here is that you are lying to your partner. You are using him for his cash and that is just plain wrong. He deserves someone who will be with him because of of who he is - we all deserve that. Get out of this relationship now and stand on your own two feet.

Searah is a sex educator and owner of Early2Bed. All members of AlphaWomen.com get 10% off of their online purchases when they type in ALPHA in the coupon code area when checking out! Stop by http://www.early2bed.com/ today!

ANJE SAYS: Obviously it's not fair to him since, according to you, he's a bank account. It's very selfish and ultimately you will be bearing the burden of unhappiness and guilt in exchange for free room and board. You're basically prostituting yourself and although you're not the first to do it, it's never a reason to stay with someone. Considering how much money you should have been able to save by living off of him, I suggest that you start looking for your own place and start living a 'real' life. You may be broke sometimes but at least you will be living true to yourself, knowing that if you do meet someone you are attracted to and build a relationship with, that it's for the right reasons.

Next week we will discuss a question about having an affair with your boss. Does it really help with climbing the corporate ladder?

If you have a question you would like answered, please email freda@alphawomen.com or you can send your question anonymously to: Straight Talk . We have the answer!

Straight Talk:
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Can You Tell When A Relationship Is Over?
Can You Gauge the Health of Your Relationship By the Frequency of Your Sex?

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